you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
