Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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