please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
