Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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