It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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