my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
