Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
