Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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