Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
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she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
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My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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