I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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