oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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