I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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