woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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