Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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