Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
