god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
wanna go halves on a baby?
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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