I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
