Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
