Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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