That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
