I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
