Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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