I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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