I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
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Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
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It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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