This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
