yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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