so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
