Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
