I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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