Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
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The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
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Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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