I'm gonna have a badass scar
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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