the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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