Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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