and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
