i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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