Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
