last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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