I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
