You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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