dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.