when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
too bad you live with your parents still
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
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The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
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Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity