we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
These 23 People Prove You Don’t Have To Be A 10 To Be Good In Bed
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
21 People That Had The Worst Birthdays Imaginable
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice