Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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