How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Randomize
