Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
