I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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