The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Barsexuality is the new black.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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