She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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