dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I pour the whiskey from now on
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
