my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
