If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
