So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
