New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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